I don’t really know what i should make out of the news. A relative have passed away from cancer. Well, there’s a thought.

On one hand he was sick. Holding out for close to three long months already. Met him during the new year. Shook his quivering hand, watching on as he squints his eyes trying to take a good look at his grandson, listening to his voice above the morbid beats of his heart. I wished him “Happy New Year” and “Healthy body and spirit.”

That was the last time i saw him, the one time in maybe six, seven months. Probably for the best. Him to stop suffering and the people around to stop worrying. Just wishing for him to find sanctuary in the arms of maybe God, if He exists, because I need all the help I can get right now.

On the other side of the palm, she have cried and cried. Endured sleepless nights. It’s kinda hard to bear listening to the electronic voice of your mother struggling to deaden the sobbing behind the phone. Surely this is a hard time for her. She bought him pills and vitamins and wheatgrass since maybe last year. The care for her father have just be one long protracted nightmare. Now that the tsunamis have hit, other than to salvage, she can wait for the tides to recede. Flow back into the ocean calm.

But I am handling the news suprisingly well. I may be desensitised by mainstream media, or maybe my emotions have been strecthed thin by the sheer distance between the Gombak and Bukit Timah. I am feeling fine.

Although I’m feeling that bit guilty. Me to be able to concentrate in my studies when i should be breaking down in tears right now. Me to be able to laugh and smile at the kindly jokes of friends when she is tearing herself apart with the anguish and pain. Me to be able to type this when i should be digging my fingers into my eyes and trying to stem the flow of tears. It does seem wrong to have no feelings.

My only redemption is that I mourn for the next couple of weeks, wishing with all my might that he has found his Goddess and lay her soul to rest and relief. If You are out there, please dont let me down.